


No, not today

by littlediable



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Panic Attacks, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29078628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlediable/pseuds/littlediable
Summary: Dean Winchester would always protect his girl, even if it meant breaking her heart in the process
Relationships: Dean Winchester/You
Kudos: 18





	No, not today

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a challenge on Tumblr, don't copy or edit my work

“Are you leaving me?” Her voice climbed a few octaves higher, body burning in exhaustion, hair tangled from the way she had tugged on her roots, a nervous habit of hers.  
“What are you talking about?” Dean sounded exhausted, he had just returned from a hunt, stepping foot into their shared apartment, she had instantly been on him, screaming words he barely processed. “Stop answering my question with another question!” Her gaze switched to her phone screen, they had been going at it for an hour by now.

“I’m so tired of your bullshit Dean Winchester.” A sob bubbled out of her, though she wasn’t sure if she was truly that sad or just tired, from worrying, from screaming, from being haunted by the darkest thoughts. She had found a bag of his, packed with clothes, some things he’d keep close, ready to take it with him at any given chance.  
He tried to reach for her, some body contact would normally solve the rare occurring fights between them. But maybe today some body contact wouldn’t be enough, maybe today had finally proven to them that there wasn’t an easy way out. No, not today.

Dean had been distant for the last few weeks, a storm had been brewing, she should have been prepared, had felt the pressure building for days on end, but now, she was anything but ready to let go of him, to watch him leave her behind.

He’d study her as she was sleeping, trying to cuddle herself closer as he barely touched her, the lump in his throat would grow, insides churning, wondering how he’d ever be able to say goodbye to her face.

Somehow she had grown used to the silence that would engulf her, not able to let any sounds roll off her tongue as Dean was living side by side with her, barely interacting with his girlfriend. She was getting used to living without him, a thought that scared her, absolutely terrified her. 

Maybe he simply fell out of love with her, nothing unusual (y/n) had guessed, it would happen to couples all the time, so why shouldn’t it happen to her?

(Y/n) had always been a sucker for those romantic novels, the ones where the couples would fight for their love, no matter what, they’d make it. Always. But maybe she didn’t deserve to have her always, maybe she wasn’t like the characters in her books, no, she wasn’t and she’d never be.

On the night of their fight they had gone to bed with broken hearts, backs turned to one another, not able to look at their partner any longer. The next day he had been gone, leaving with most of his things, the bag she had found, making his way back to his brother. He hadn’t found the strength to wake her, he couldn’t watch her cry once again.

Isn’t it weird how your life can suddenly change? The once so familiar touch of your loved one would feel strange and unwelcomed, the lips you’d once kiss every morning and every night hadn’t touched yours in days.

She had tried to come up with any reason for his disappearance, though she could only focus on the thought of Dean getting tangled between the sheets with another woman. A woman that wasn’t her. A woman that didn’t look anything like her, or maybe she did. (Y/n) would probably never know.  
(Y/n) did always have a wild imagination, she couldn’t stop wondering about the other woman, would paint herself a picture of the one who had ripped Dean away from her. She wouldn’t leave her apartment, his scent was still lingering in the air, an old shirt of his had been laying between some of hers, she didn’t find it in her heart to throw it away.

A gut wrenching sob would still bubble out of her every now and then, eyes glassy and red, overshadowed by the dark circles around them. Loving Dean Winchester had been easy, but leaving him behind left her confused, exhausted, nothing had ever hurt this much.

She had tried to change her routine, would avoid the bars Dean would drag her to, would avoid the places he’d take her to on one of their late night drives, she’d avoid everything that would remind her of Dean Winchester. 

In the middle of the night she’d wake with sweat bearding her forehead, legs shaking from her nightmares, spine tingling from the cruel dreams she had snapped out of. Dean Winchester would never be a part of her life again, a thought that wouldn’t let go of her, she was slowly but surely breaking apart and he was no longer there to catch her. He was the reason for her suffering and he probably didn’t even know.

As he had left her at the break of dawn, eyes focused on the road ahead, he seemed to understand what he had just done, rendering him breathless at the realization. Dean couldn’t stop thinking about the tears that had left traces down her cheeks, the way her hands trembled, the thought that she could have been scared of him left his heart racing, bile rose in his throat.

He knew that it had been the only way out, he had to protect her, a typical Dean Winchester move, obsessed with protecting the ones around him, thinking that they were in danger, because of him. He had been scared, Dean wasn’t quite sure of what and why, it had always been easier to run away instead of working with his fears.

Rational thinking wasn’t his strongest trait, but knowing that she was safe kept him sane and comfortable. His heart was breaking apart with every passing day, mind not able to let go of (y/n), memories would randomly overcome him, pushing him further into his misery. He had done this to himself, it had been his choice to leave her behind and now he had to live with it.

She’d find herself staring at her phone screen every now and then, thumb tracing the picture of the both of them, itching to call him, to ask him why he had done it, why he had left her just like that. 

As much as (y/n) tried to stay strong, she couldn’t, she felt like hell, wondering why it had been that easy for him? Was he even thinking about her? Or was he finally happy? With another woman? Somebody else to keep his bed warm?

The seasons would come and go, he had left her on a crisp January morning, winter was long forgotten as she refurnished her whole apartment, spring had taught her a few lessons she’d try to keep close to her heart, but as summer arrived she couldn’t take it any further.

It was a mild June evening as she walked to her car, determined to track him down, she needed some answers, needed to come clean, (y/n) was slowly but surely going insane, feeling like hell. Hours faded by, eyes burning from staring at the road ahead, she couldn’t allow herself to take any breaks, it wouldn’t take her much longer to make her way to the bunker, soon enough she’d get her answers. Hopefully.  
Dean was nursing his third beer of the night, eyes hooked onto the tv screen, anything to drown out his loud thoughts. The sound of an impatient knock echoed through the room, his piercing green eyes snapped towards the door, wondering who it could be.

(Y/n) was shifting her weight from one foot to another, hands trembling, cheeks burning from the salty tears that left traces down her skin. Just now she thought of all the things that could go wrong, maybe he truly didn’t want to see her. Maybe he wouldn’t even talk to her. The thought broke her heart, they had been together for years, attached by the hip, truly loving one another. At least that’s what she had always thought.

“(Y/n)?” Dean’s voice sounded familiar, all too familiar, he was holding onto the door, not moving an inch, pupils dilated. He had accepted the fact that he’d never see her again a while ago, but seeing her tired features, the trembling hands, broke down his walls, made the stones tumble to the floor, feeling just as miserable. “Why?” A whimper left her, forgetting all about the things she wanted to scream at him, she hadn’t expected him to look anything but happy.

Tears blurred her vision, she struggled to breathe, heart pounding too rapidly, knocking her off her feet any moment now. She’d tumble into the arms of another panic attack, he knew all the signs, they had been there one too many times.

“Breathe sweetheart.” The nickname had an instant effect on her, she lost her balance, crashing to her knees. Dean tried to catch her, but he was too slow, following her down to the ground, arms finding their way around her, whispering a small “breathe” over and over again.

Rain began to pour from the sky, soaking through their clothes, getting mixed up with the salty tears that left them both. “Why?” (Y/n) repeated her question, she was clinging to him, savoring his warmth, holding onto him before he’d disappear again.

“I had to.” Dean’s voice broke, hands tightening their grip, not caring that his wet clothes were sticking to his skin, not caring about anything but the girl in his arms. “Is she pretty?” He couldn’t quite follow, frowning as he tried to understand what she was talking about.

“Your new girlfriend, is she pretty?” He shifted her around, hand grasping her jaw, not giving her a chance to look away, “There’s no new girlfriend.” Just now everything seemed to fall in place, he seemed to realize what she had been going through, imagining him with another woman, another woman he had left her for. “I had to protect you sweetheart. I can’t keep you safe.” 

“Is this what this has been all about? You thinking you need to protect me?” She rose from his lap, the rain drowned out her voice, forcing her to stay pressed against his front. “I’ll always need to protect you sweetheart.” (Y/n) shook her head, too many emotions crashed upon her, too confused to understand the broken man in front of her. 

Maybe Dean truly couldn’t keep her safe, even Dean Winchester wouldn’t always succeed, maybe just maybe someday there'll be another chance for them. Another chance to leave this behind and move forwards. But that day wasn't today. No, not today.


End file.
